Category Archives: Coloring

Memories

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My earliest memory is a flower tile of the first place my parents shared. I know it is real because there are no pictures of that place. It looked like this picture from a restaurant serendipity brought me to one day. For years I had very few memories of my childhood. I recently had a revelation about why and since then memories keep coming.

Trauma can really change your brain in just a few minutes. And kids really do not talk about what happens to them. They blame themselves or are afraid of how others will react. It is terrifying to know that you cannot be protecting them every second. I only hope that I have created a relationship so safe for my daughter that she will be able to tell me anything and I will be attuned to let her grow and be independent despite the risks.

I think the tile may explain my fascination with mandalas. I am enjoying coloring them again, after a long hiatus. Clarity last week was followed by an overwhelming sense of comfort, an exaltation of the senses that are usually numb while I watch tv and play on the phone. I realized that I am out in the world and nobody has tried to put me down.

I have only found kindness and empathy from you and those I interact with daily. I feel so blessed and thankful. It has also reinforced the conviction that there is a world to be won by truly appreciating others. Carnegie’s first principle to not criticize, condemn or complain may not be an easy one to abide by but it is certainly one I am embracing.

This week I shared my dissertation with colleagues. We are working on a similar topic and it made me very happy to think that it could be somehow useful, if only to brainstorm. I am so far away from who I was just years ago. I am not sure how I went from reading The Confidence Code, to putting myself out like this.

I also wish it was not so difficult for women to do that, and especially to do it without having to resort to aggressive strategies. I really believe that my generation could be the one to start changing the reticence tide that surrounds women in leadership. We can be strong and assertive and at the same time support each other, men and women. I do hope that when my daughter is my age things will be different. Will you help?

Mandalas

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I have rejected routines all my life. Perhaps because of a rebellious teen hood, it took me way too many years to get used to even the most benign routines, such as having a blissful breakfast every morning. The thing is, I was not exactly changing the world by not imitating the rules of my upbringing. I was only short-changing myself, especially by not enjoying a latte and croissant in the morning or the necessary coffee break in the afternoon…

What I find funny is that most of my hobbies have a heavy dose of routine in them. For example, I love completing the daily solitaire challenge. I also love filling up the World Cup sticker album every four years. I enjoy immensely exchanging stickers with friends and online, and filling and reviewing my list of missing and extra stickers.

As you can see, the pleasure of checking to-do lists is very close to my heart. This is not to say that I haven’t had more creative hobbies. One Christmas I made colorful necklaces for all my girlfriends. I think I may try that again soon, and this time with my daughter.

I also love coloring Mandalas, as you may have noticed. My beloved gave me a coloring book, way before coloring became such a frenzy. He just knew that I would be into it, and he was right. In addition, my job back then was quite stressful, so having a meditative outlet was crucial to my sanity. It still is.

As I think I have mentioned here before, it was coloring one evening that I decided to drop a dissertation topic that was clearly never going to get done. It came to me like an epiphany that unless I worked on something I was interested in or knew about, I would never finish my studies.

The next day I wrote to my advisor and set up a meeting. I was all excited, even considering writing a general book on primary commodities. My advisor gently brought me back to reality by noting that for a few years already, every December, I had come to him with a new big idea that unfortunately had yet to materialize. Smaller ideas would be more feasible, perhaps.

He also reminded me that I needed to follow the academic requirements of the dissertation. I could write a general book… any time… after graduation. I guess we will see about that.