Category Archives: General

Hair

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Just as NY was the first to succumb to the pandemic, it seems we are the first hopefully seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

This morning I am getting my hair done at my favorite salon. After 2 weeks of my second shot I was supposed to be highly immune to the worst of COVID-19 and the first thing I wanted to do was my hair. Not see old friends, go to a restaurant, party or concert, but do one of the things that I definitely cannot do well myself. Color and cut my hair!!! I diligently colored the gray regularly, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t let myself go, at least not completely, in the comfort of hiding at home. I even got one of those plastic guides to cut hair, especially for my daughter whose hair had grown so long it was literally uncomfortable for her. Yet, today when I arrived to the salon my favorite stylist couldn’t help herself in laughing with me about how bad the situation was.

She is still diligently making sure my color is pristine while I write on my phone, but I already feel like 10 years younger, if not more. The reflection in the mirror in recent weeks was making me feel sad. It was a clear contrast with pictures of my younger self that my phone widgets randomly pic to entertain me with. Gray, uneven, frizzy hair. The horror. I know that after she is done my hair will be again one of the things I have always liked about myself.

My mother has long, luscious hair. She spends a considerable amount of time styling it every day. I guess I got my love for hair from her. I am much more laid back but I still enjoy a good hair day. And today will be one!!! I am excited as you can feel. I am also grateful. My favorite salon didn’t close forever, and while my favorite restaurants are gone, it gives me a sense of comfort and normality I really needed.

There are other aspects of going back to normality that are giving me stress. I am not ready to go back to how things were, at least not 5 days a week. Just as the world economy needs to recover better and not just back to business as usual, I hope offices, schools, routine also return better, healthier. What are you looking forward to when this nightmare is finally over?

What is in a name?

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I have had many names. When I was inside my mother’s belly, my grandfather decided my name was Angela Maria, a combination of my parents names. Then, as an act of rebellion, they decided to legally call me Maria Angela.

Then came my difficulty at pronouncing my long composite name. Jamaria was the best I could do. Since then for my family I have always been Jamaria, Jamala, Jama, Jamarin, Jamarincito.

To be honest I never liked Angela Maria so much and Jama was not an acceptable alternative out in the world. My friends at school called me Angela. My foes made fun of Maria, the girl with long braids. I didn’t really mind much. My dream was to be Heidi, the girl of the prairie.

Then came my own rebellion. In college, I decided I was Mariangela. Not Maria Angela or Angela Maria or Angela, but Mariangela. This was and still is how I see myself.

After I moved to the US my name morphed again into Maria, Marie, Mary, Mari-Angele and other versions and pronunciations. By now, I am so used to the fluidity of it that I just invite people to call me the way it feels better for them. And I mean it.

This includes names I really love, like Angeline, Angelita, Angie, mi Angels, MA, Mangela and the best, of course: Mama.

I know how important a name is for a person. According to Carnegie, in his still relevant classic book about human nature, the name is one of the most cherished things a person has. It is recognition. It is identity and value.

Since reading that book I have been thinking a lot about names and actually started to try to be better at remembering then. It is not easy for me, but it feels good to try. Relating names to stories, writing down details, like the pros do.

But please forgive if I momentarily blank when I run into you in the corridor. Oh, wait, that doesn’t happen anymore. We now have video calls…

So what is in a name? Is it part of you? Is it a reflection of yourself? How can it become so important when it is your parents’ decision when you are born?How do you feel about your name? Did you wish your name was Margaret Tatcher? I did as a little girl…

Homebound

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Groundhog months

Ms. Pac-Man mini arcade has arrived today; the latest addition to our private sanctuary. Home has become everything for most of us and adding little things that would be otherwise inexcusable extravagances is now possible. After 50 years, it continues to be a delightful experience for all ages. Our tween has spent uncountable hours in her room playing with her phone and today she is with us in the living room and cannot get enough of it.

I may be the last one on earth, but recently I rediscovered lounging. I remember timeless hours with friends just doing nothing but being together and it was awesome. Adult life is regimented. You have stress, a daily agenda, so much so that you start including time with your family as part of your obligations.

Lounging is different. It is just relaxing but not alone. Decompressing by watching something together, having a beer or coffee without a set agenda or time limits. No tension. It is awesome. I get into the best conversation with my daughter and days seem kinder for all of us.

I guess one reason I am only rediscovering it now is that burnout forced me to reconsider my relationship with work. I still work hard and many hours but I mostly don’t stress over it. I know that I am doing my best at all times so when something goes wrong, as it always will because that is life, I can honestly just acknowledge, learn and move on.

Learning has been unavoidable this past year. Just a different kind of learning than the one that gives you diplomas. Learning how to build good routines for yourself, to be more self reliable and organized, to accept your idiosyncrasies and those of your life companions. Learn to accept bad days and weeks in which you do none of the above and know that the next day you can try again.

I haven’t learnt to play piano or ice sculpting or how to be less obnoxious, like Phil Connors did while awaiting Punxsutawney Phil’s predictions, but I think I have profited from the few upsides of this 2020 nightmarish Groundhog Day that we have had to collectively endure around the world.

I celebrate the little things. Like connecting with you again. Writing was impossible at the levels of stress I was enduring until recently. How are you doing? What have you learned? Lounging anyone?

Burnout

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We have all lost so much in 2020. We lost the certainty of life as usual. We lost friends and moments. We lost hugs and coffee breaks. We will never get those back. How can we then face the idea of welcoming a new year? I thought these were the roaring twenties for godsake!. I am afraid of having high hopes again. I am afraid of wishing a return to normal. I may jinx it.

At the same time I would be lying if I didnt acknowledge what I have gained this year. I have had enough time with myself to definitvely have to come to terms with my idiosincracies. At the start of the pandemic all I could do not to drive myself crazy was to work non-stop. Adrenaline filled the void that a foregone daily life left in me.

I was unstoppable. I could work day in day out and was seriously enjoying it. I barely saw my family, stranded in the next room, left to their own devices in this the loneliest ever world. I think things went well until the summer. Six months straight of pure unadultered workoholic pleasure. Even when I was on a break I was only focused on recovering to start again with even more tenacity.

And then came the unavoidable burnout. I guess I had heard of it happening, but It wasn’t until I was not even able to read a few lines straight that I realized it was happening to me. It was brutal. Every email filled me with anxiety. Every little task that I had done many times before became a struggle. I started wondering how I had suddenly become useless if only few weeks before I was doing everything and enjoying it.

The thing is that my body couldn’t take it anymore. My nerves were shot. I had even forgotten to eat, and while I was enjoying the number on the scale, the situation was untenable. I was not living. I was escaping. But from what exactly? Boredom?

I have since recovered and forced myself to slowdown, proritizing and asking for help. Those are the life skills that the pandemic has given me. I have gained perspective. I now know that I don’t need to be always busy. That I can stand my own company and can fill my time with enjoyable passtimes. And I am extremely thankful for that.

I am back

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As for most of you, I imagine, this has not been the easiest time. Definitely not the roaring Twenties I was celebrating in my first post this year. More like a strange and exhausting thriller or horror movie. Life obviously is much more creative than any script.

Who would have thought that the whole world would be facing unthinkable loses? That meeting anyone in person, at work or for fun, would be something we would be strongly discouraged to do? That the movie Five Feet Apart would be our common future? That going to the park or to walk the dog without a mask would be a nice memory of privileges we cannot afford anymore?

At home we took quarantine very seriously. During the peak we even decided not to take our dog out. It was not a good picture but it was better than risking going out for any reason. And even now that things are opening in the city, we remain isolated. Every day I feel more at ease and may end up trying one of the little outdoor restaurants that have flourished on side walks and streets around the city very soon. But life may never be the same again.

Working from home has been exhausting. I started a new assignment in March and all of the sudden it became clear that my portfolio was central. Development became, for the first time, a global emergency. So many people have lost their jobs, their loved ones, their routines. It became clear to me that having a job was a privilege and that trying to contribute in any way possible was, and is, my obligation. Everything else lost urgency.

After almost getting completely burned out, to the point of lowering my defenses, I took a break. It is almost over and I will be back to work on Monday but I feel I have regained a certain balance. I know life will never be the same but I have certain confirmation that as a family we can even handle a months long cabin fever. I did not kill anybody or got killed. In fact we are closer. And that is priceless.

I also know that now I am ready to live again. I know that while everything has changed and it is an unthinkable tragedy we have no alternative but adapting and going forward. It is not going to be easy but, together, we can do it. We have to.

Cabin fever

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The unthinkable is happening. New York is closing its doors. Museums are shutting down tomorrow. Schools are closing left and right. Concerts and gatherings are off the table. The city that never sleeps is getting ready to hibernate.

Corona virus cases are getting closer and closer to home. We have been at home for 4 days now and we may have to stay here for at least two more weeks. Thanks to modern technology I have been working non-stop. That certainly helps diminish the cabin fever feeling.

Speaking of cabin fever, my favorite movie is “The Shining”. What we are living can certainly be a threat to our mental health and force some of us to feel that All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy… all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy… I may reach that point if amazon stops delivering…

Something I am really missing is Taekwondo. I am so hooked with it that I got myself a uniform and I am happy to report that this started a trend in the class. Yet, I missed class last Friday as my new job got frantic very fast, and now it is cancelled until further notice. I asked the teacher if she would give classes via skype. Wait, what? I don’t know who I am anymore, but I like this new me.

I wonder how many things will forever change after this emergency is over. For one, we will have experienced telecommuting at full length and those reluctant to it may finally get used to accept and welcome it. The barrier that still made presential meetings more appealing than virtual ones has been broken. In short, technology has really come to stay at the workplace.

In quarantine, I recently rediscovered Coupling. I used to watch it every Friday night in BBC America. It is ridiculously funny. While I can’t relate to the anxieties of being single anymore and can’t really watch Sex and the City again anymore for that reason, Coupling is still full of relatable and hilarious situations. The giggle loop, captain subtext and the head laugh are just classics. I highly recommend it. It is a very good way to withstand this strange horror movie situation we are all experiencing first-hand.

How are you dealing with it? Is your city closing down?

Touch, I remember touch

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Quarantine may be upon us. The corona virus is spreading like a wildfire and we seem to be getting ready to stay isolated for weeks if necessary. At home, we stocked up on basic supplies, food and water and now we are bracing for what seems inevitable. I still wonder if the panic is warranted but it is certainly becoming more and more difficult to fight against it. Schools are getting ready to teach remotely and if that happens it will be difficult to keep a normal routine.

I spent years of my life thinking about global value chains and their impact on development. Somehow, they seemed to be a feature of the world economy that was here to stay, and we had no option but to contend with it. While global value chains proved relatively resilient to the 2008 crisis, they seem to be crumbling under the weight of current international tensions and COVID19. So much for research elegantly withstanding the implacable real world…

Another thing that has been changing is the way people greet each other. There are still many offering a hand to shake or a welcoming hug, but most are incorporating elbow, fist and many other variations to their social interactions. The transition is not easy. Someone offered me a handshake yesterday and I chose to offer a fist bump. Let me tell you: I don’t think that person will ever like me. But what can we do, especially with no hand sanitizer to be found in the city?

And boy! hand sanitizer is urgently needed if we are to keep our hands clean as advised. Have you realized how many surfaces your hands touch during the day? Pay attention. You will be surprised. There is almost no way to avoid it!  Gloves anyone?

Going back to more mundane issues, this was the first week in my new job. It was exhilarating. I had really missed the fast pace and busyness that makes days go by without space for boredom. I am quite tired, but I feel alive, needed. I suddenly have the stamina to start the day earlier than ever.  I am also enjoying having a productive outlet to my smartphone addiction, as the new responsibilities require seamless attention to tight deadlines. What has been tough of course is finding the time to write to you. Yet, I will not give up, I promise!

Office space

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I am packing my office, like I have done many times before. Only this time by the end of the process the objective is not to organize and move my belongings, but to have no belongings at all at work. No more family pictures and other mementos to reveal details about the human being that spends countless hours around. I guess for those of us that get more than a bit disorganized when busy, an undeniable advantage is that nobody would get to see the mess anymore. Still, I wonder how much of the creative process we will lose by tidying up after ourselves night after night, instead of as a glorious ritual after finishing big tasks.

Since I started working more than twenty years ago my office has been an extension of myself. I used to take pride of the art decorating the walls or cubicle partitions, the collections of books and wooden animals decorating the shelves, the self sufficiency of a space in which I had everything I needed in case I needed to stay late. At some point I had a little fridge. At another, a gloriously red ice maker. When I was pregnant, I even had a military style cot to stretch when desperate for comfort. Going forward I will have to survive with whatever can fit in a locker. I know I will get used to it, but for now, I am mourning the loss of my woman cave, my refuge away from home. It is the end of an era.

To look at a positive angle, I guess in the end this exposure to the elements will make it a bit easier to leave the office at a set time every evening to go home and enjoy the wonderful babyness of my little girl while she is still little. I celebrate that. I also celebrate the clean slate, the unique opportunity to start anew every day. I really enjoyed that feeling every time I started working at a café or library, during the precious weeks I spent finishing my dissertation around this time last year. I didn’t need an office and countless books. Just an internet hotspot. That is work in the 21st Century.

What has been your experience with flexible working space? Or do you still have a place to call your own at work? How do we keep our humanity in these high tech and financially tight times? … Do you have a red swingline stapler? I do.

Raspberry white chocolate

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Change is finally coming! I am cautiously excited for a new assignment at work. I know it will be a lot of stress, but I am ready to deal with it with maturity and confidence. I guess my writers’ block was related to the anxiety I was feeling before the move was confirmed. I got the news on Wednesday and this is the second post I wrote since then! I may have less time to devote to writing going forward, but I hereby promise myself and you that I will write at least once a week. This blog has started so many conversations with friends all over the world. It feels as if I had the fortune of having coffee with each of them. That can’t stop!

I got an early Valentine last night. My daughter gave me a mini box of chocolate hearts and my love gave me the most sumptuous and gigantic piece of white chocolate I have ever seen and a big piece of raspberry white chocolate. Yes, it tastes as good as it sounds. I feel loved. Remember the end of “Notting Hill”? While Costello sings “She”, Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts relax in a garden surrounded by children playing. It exudes contentment and satisfaction. That is how so much love is making me feel. I must make sure that my new job doesn’t keep me from enjoying it.

Another recent surprise has been the coronavirus or Covid-19. I read that medical masks do not protect you from it and I went straight to amazon to get N95 masks (that actually work!) for the whole family. I pride myself of never wasting time in worst case scenarios, but I couldn’t help the urge to get them, you know, just in case. I tell myself that they would have been useful when my household was hit with the flu a couple of weeks ago. They will most likely stay in the closet until the next flu season, right? How are you handling this outbreak?

I finally spent some time formatting and editing one of my Chapters to submit it for publication in a journal. It took me this long, almost a year, to be able to carefully read it again and distill something from it. After all that work, it would be great to see my ideas in a legendary journal like CEPAL Review or World Development! Wish me luck!

Sonido Bestial

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Growing up I only knew one type of salsa dancing. And I loved it. Dancing the more than 6 minutes of “Sonido Bestial” was the closest to heaven I felt for years. In 1994 I spent a month in Cuba and to my surprise I realized that I simply couldn’t dance at all. Cuban Rueda de casino is a whole different ballpark. Couples dance to Timba music as a group following the same moves that a leader calls with signs or code words. The bit was also different and the fluidity of it was a stark contrast with the jumpy and push and pull feel of Colombian style salsa dancing. I was enamored. In 1999 I moved to Santiago Chile and discovered the most amazing place to start my journey in casino dancing. It is called Maestra Vida in Bella Vista. The ambiance is amazing, and they also have classes with amazing Cuban dancers. I made it my home.

When I moved to New York I was excited about dancing at the birthplace of the classic salsa I grew up with, Fania and all. I got ready to go out to a classic place downtown, thinking I would dance all night without a problem. I was wrong. In New York they dance on 2! I tried dancing with a kind gentleman and suddenly realized that he was not really leading. His steps and moves were very soft, and he seemed to be dancing to an entirely different song. Around me women were doing all sorts of fancy turns and Suzy Qs. My BA in Colombian salsa and master in Rueda were useless! I had to start again almost from scratch. It is tricky to dance on the second bit when you have always danced on the first. It is difficult to explain (see comments for a lengthy explanation), and I didn’t enjoy it that much.

Of course, it was just a matter of time before finding the Cuban salsa community in the city. It is an amazing group of people that love dancing and made going out a safe and exhilarating experience. To fulfill my need for dancing I also took classes several times a week. I went as far in that journey as starting to learn to lead, as women and men indistinctly lead in Rueda, but my memory couldn’t handle the many moves. I haven’t danced regularly in almost a decade. I guess after performing in public with the group a few times, I kind of graduated from a salsa PhD and it was time for new things. I can’t say I don’t miss it, but I don’t long for it either. My next step is to instill a bit of this love for salsa in my daughter. I will find a way!