Category Archives: Family

Teddie and Marigold

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After Juana I wasn’t sure I would want another dog. But life had something else in the line for me.

First came Marigold, when my daughter was around 5-years old. My husband really wanted a dog and we thought it would be good for Silkie to bond with a doggie. Marigold is a very sweet wheaten terrier. She is kind and calm.

A year and a half ago my daughter decided she wanted a dog that would sleep with her. That is how Teddie came to our lives. She is a force of life. A tiny Bichon-Poodle with the energy of thousand batteries.

My daughter slept with Teddie for a month. She didn’t want the doggie to get attached to me. After a month she asked for help. She felt isolated and was having trouble sleeping. It was not worth trying to do it by herself. I brought Teddie with me and the rest is history.

Teddie and Marigold follow me around and sleep by me. I love them. They play together all the time. They get anxious when they are not together.

They have enriched my life and they force me to get up and about on those days where all I want to do is to disappear in TV and card games.

New York’s weather has changed since I came 20 years ago. It doesn’t seem to snow as much as it did when Juana and I arrived. I also don’t run anymore and I moved to a different neighborhood, farther away from a park. I miss Central Park West more than I miss Chile or Colombia for that matter.

As an aside, I should mention that in Chile I went a bit dog crazy. I had a big house with a garden so I became a temporary puppy parent. I also rescued Romina, a tremendously beautiful dog, pregnant with puppies. Helping her give birth was wonderful. Rosario was another rescue. At some point I had 13 dogs of all sizes in the house…

When I moved to New York I had to find homes for them all. I wish I knew where all of them ended up. I hope they had a nice life.

What a lucky life to be accompanied by sweet souls like Juana, Rosario, Marigold, Romina, Teddie, Yuta, Milou, Hella, Sebastian, and many more!

How do you feel about dogs?

Are you more of a cat person? I love it. Tell me more!!

Hair

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Just as NY was the first to succumb to the pandemic, it seems we are the first hopefully seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

This morning I am getting my hair done at my favorite salon. After 2 weeks of my second shot I was supposed to be highly immune to the worst of COVID-19 and the first thing I wanted to do was my hair. Not see old friends, go to a restaurant, party or concert, but do one of the things that I definitely cannot do well myself. Color and cut my hair!!! I diligently colored the gray regularly, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t let myself go, at least not completely, in the comfort of hiding at home. I even got one of those plastic guides to cut hair, especially for my daughter whose hair had grown so long it was literally uncomfortable for her. Yet, today when I arrived to the salon my favorite stylist couldn’t help herself in laughing with me about how bad the situation was.

She is still diligently making sure my color is pristine while I write on my phone, but I already feel like 10 years younger, if not more. The reflection in the mirror in recent weeks was making me feel sad. It was a clear contrast with pictures of my younger self that my phone widgets randomly pic to entertain me with. Gray, uneven, frizzy hair. The horror. I know that after she is done my hair will be again one of the things I have always liked about myself.

My mother has long, luscious hair. She spends a considerable amount of time styling it every day. I guess I got my love for hair from her. I am much more laid back but I still enjoy a good hair day. And today will be one!!! I am excited as you can feel. I am also grateful. My favorite salon didn’t close forever, and while my favorite restaurants are gone, it gives me a sense of comfort and normality I really needed.

There are other aspects of going back to normality that are giving me stress. I am not ready to go back to how things were, at least not 5 days a week. Just as the world economy needs to recover better and not just back to business as usual, I hope offices, schools, routine also return better, healthier. What are you looking forward to when this nightmare is finally over?

What is in a name?

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I have had many names. When I was inside my mother’s belly, my grandfather decided my name was Angela Maria, a combination of my parents names. Then, as an act of rebellion, they decided to legally call me Maria Angela.

Then came my difficulty at pronouncing my long composite name. Jamaria was the best I could do. Since then for my family I have always been Jamaria, Jamala, Jama, Jamarin, Jamarincito.

To be honest I never liked Angela Maria so much and Jama was not an acceptable alternative out in the world. My friends at school called me Angela. My foes made fun of Maria, the girl with long braids. I didn’t really mind much. My dream was to be Heidi, the girl of the prairie.

Then came my own rebellion. In college, I decided I was Mariangela. Not Maria Angela or Angela Maria or Angela, but Mariangela. This was and still is how I see myself.

After I moved to the US my name morphed again into Maria, Marie, Mary, Mari-Angele and other versions and pronunciations. By now, I am so used to the fluidity of it that I just invite people to call me the way it feels better for them. And I mean it.

This includes names I really love, like Angeline, Angelita, Angie, mi Angels, MA, Mangela and the best, of course: Mama.

I know how important a name is for a person. According to Carnegie, in his still relevant classic book about human nature, the name is one of the most cherished things a person has. It is recognition. It is identity and value.

Since reading that book I have been thinking a lot about names and actually started to try to be better at remembering then. It is not easy for me, but it feels good to try. Relating names to stories, writing down details, like the pros do.

But please forgive if I momentarily blank when I run into you in the corridor. Oh, wait, that doesn’t happen anymore. We now have video calls…

So what is in a name? Is it part of you? Is it a reflection of yourself? How can it become so important when it is your parents’ decision when you are born?How do you feel about your name? Did you wish your name was Margaret Tatcher? I did as a little girl…

Homebound

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Groundhog months

Ms. Pac-Man mini arcade has arrived today; the latest addition to our private sanctuary. Home has become everything for most of us and adding little things that would be otherwise inexcusable extravagances is now possible. After 50 years, it continues to be a delightful experience for all ages. Our tween has spent uncountable hours in her room playing with her phone and today she is with us in the living room and cannot get enough of it.

I may be the last one on earth, but recently I rediscovered lounging. I remember timeless hours with friends just doing nothing but being together and it was awesome. Adult life is regimented. You have stress, a daily agenda, so much so that you start including time with your family as part of your obligations.

Lounging is different. It is just relaxing but not alone. Decompressing by watching something together, having a beer or coffee without a set agenda or time limits. No tension. It is awesome. I get into the best conversation with my daughter and days seem kinder for all of us.

I guess one reason I am only rediscovering it now is that burnout forced me to reconsider my relationship with work. I still work hard and many hours but I mostly don’t stress over it. I know that I am doing my best at all times so when something goes wrong, as it always will because that is life, I can honestly just acknowledge, learn and move on.

Learning has been unavoidable this past year. Just a different kind of learning than the one that gives you diplomas. Learning how to build good routines for yourself, to be more self reliable and organized, to accept your idiosyncrasies and those of your life companions. Learn to accept bad days and weeks in which you do none of the above and know that the next day you can try again.

I haven’t learnt to play piano or ice sculpting or how to be less obnoxious, like Phil Connors did while awaiting Punxsutawney Phil’s predictions, but I think I have profited from the few upsides of this 2020 nightmarish Groundhog Day that we have had to collectively endure around the world.

I celebrate the little things. Like connecting with you again. Writing was impossible at the levels of stress I was enduring until recently. How are you doing? What have you learned? Lounging anyone?

I am back

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As for most of you, I imagine, this has not been the easiest time. Definitely not the roaring Twenties I was celebrating in my first post this year. More like a strange and exhausting thriller or horror movie. Life obviously is much more creative than any script.

Who would have thought that the whole world would be facing unthinkable loses? That meeting anyone in person, at work or for fun, would be something we would be strongly discouraged to do? That the movie Five Feet Apart would be our common future? That going to the park or to walk the dog without a mask would be a nice memory of privileges we cannot afford anymore?

At home we took quarantine very seriously. During the peak we even decided not to take our dog out. It was not a good picture but it was better than risking going out for any reason. And even now that things are opening in the city, we remain isolated. Every day I feel more at ease and may end up trying one of the little outdoor restaurants that have flourished on side walks and streets around the city very soon. But life may never be the same again.

Working from home has been exhausting. I started a new assignment in March and all of the sudden it became clear that my portfolio was central. Development became, for the first time, a global emergency. So many people have lost their jobs, their loved ones, their routines. It became clear to me that having a job was a privilege and that trying to contribute in any way possible was, and is, my obligation. Everything else lost urgency.

After almost getting completely burned out, to the point of lowering my defenses, I took a break. It is almost over and I will be back to work on Monday but I feel I have regained a certain balance. I know life will never be the same but I have certain confirmation that as a family we can even handle a months long cabin fever. I did not kill anybody or got killed. In fact we are closer. And that is priceless.

I also know that now I am ready to live again. I know that while everything has changed and it is an unthinkable tragedy we have no alternative but adapting and going forward. It is not going to be easy but, together, we can do it. We have to.

Touch, I remember touch

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Quarantine may be upon us. The corona virus is spreading like a wildfire and we seem to be getting ready to stay isolated for weeks if necessary. At home, we stocked up on basic supplies, food and water and now we are bracing for what seems inevitable. I still wonder if the panic is warranted but it is certainly becoming more and more difficult to fight against it. Schools are getting ready to teach remotely and if that happens it will be difficult to keep a normal routine.

I spent years of my life thinking about global value chains and their impact on development. Somehow, they seemed to be a feature of the world economy that was here to stay, and we had no option but to contend with it. While global value chains proved relatively resilient to the 2008 crisis, they seem to be crumbling under the weight of current international tensions and COVID19. So much for research elegantly withstanding the implacable real world…

Another thing that has been changing is the way people greet each other. There are still many offering a hand to shake or a welcoming hug, but most are incorporating elbow, fist and many other variations to their social interactions. The transition is not easy. Someone offered me a handshake yesterday and I chose to offer a fist bump. Let me tell you: I don’t think that person will ever like me. But what can we do, especially with no hand sanitizer to be found in the city?

And boy! hand sanitizer is urgently needed if we are to keep our hands clean as advised. Have you realized how many surfaces your hands touch during the day? Pay attention. You will be surprised. There is almost no way to avoid it!  Gloves anyone?

Going back to more mundane issues, this was the first week in my new job. It was exhilarating. I had really missed the fast pace and busyness that makes days go by without space for boredom. I am quite tired, but I feel alive, needed. I suddenly have the stamina to start the day earlier than ever.  I am also enjoying having a productive outlet to my smartphone addiction, as the new responsibilities require seamless attention to tight deadlines. What has been tough of course is finding the time to write to you. Yet, I will not give up, I promise!

Raspberry white chocolate

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Change is finally coming! I am cautiously excited for a new assignment at work. I know it will be a lot of stress, but I am ready to deal with it with maturity and confidence. I guess my writers’ block was related to the anxiety I was feeling before the move was confirmed. I got the news on Wednesday and this is the second post I wrote since then! I may have less time to devote to writing going forward, but I hereby promise myself and you that I will write at least once a week. This blog has started so many conversations with friends all over the world. It feels as if I had the fortune of having coffee with each of them. That can’t stop!

I got an early Valentine last night. My daughter gave me a mini box of chocolate hearts and my love gave me the most sumptuous and gigantic piece of white chocolate I have ever seen and a big piece of raspberry white chocolate. Yes, it tastes as good as it sounds. I feel loved. Remember the end of “Notting Hill”? While Costello sings “She”, Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts relax in a garden surrounded by children playing. It exudes contentment and satisfaction. That is how so much love is making me feel. I must make sure that my new job doesn’t keep me from enjoying it.

Another recent surprise has been the coronavirus or Covid-19. I read that medical masks do not protect you from it and I went straight to amazon to get N95 masks (that actually work!) for the whole family. I pride myself of never wasting time in worst case scenarios, but I couldn’t help the urge to get them, you know, just in case. I tell myself that they would have been useful when my household was hit with the flu a couple of weeks ago. They will most likely stay in the closet until the next flu season, right? How are you handling this outbreak?

I finally spent some time formatting and editing one of my Chapters to submit it for publication in a journal. It took me this long, almost a year, to be able to carefully read it again and distill something from it. After all that work, it would be great to see my ideas in a legendary journal like CEPAL Review or World Development! Wish me luck!

Bogotá

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There are so many preconceptions about Bogotá. The city I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s was a city in which at 12 I could go to a movie with a friend and walk back home without worries. Granted, the theater was half a block from home, but still, it didn’t feel unsafe. I am sure that big battles against drug cartels and the like were being fought somewhere but I was never aware of them. That changed in the 1990s, as Michael Palin reflected in Full Circle, or perhaps I just became more aware of danger when my hippo-campus finally developed.

I recently visited again after a few years away and the feeling was that of a city inundated with cars, many of them connected to the sharing economy, and one in which those displaced from the war were finally assimilated, while the newcomers were families from Venezuela asking for food in the street. I think safety considerations have eased up or they all just got used to living with heightened precautions and smog.

Bogotá is also a city that just elected the first woman for mayor and has a Salsa al Parque and Rock al Parque music festivals. It is a city of graffiti accepted as art and great artists and museums. It is a city of magical mountains and epic restaurants that would rival any in the island I now call home. In just a week I enjoyed fusion food and muddled wine at a new brewery at Parque 93, Italians at Calle 85, Zona Rosa and in the middle of a traditional market and French at the old center of the city. Of course, the best food was at home, where my mother delighted us with a Bandeja Paisa and an Ajiaco that brought infinite memories and comfort.

It is a city I love. And I would love it anyway no matter what because my family and dear friends are there. Yet, as Mercedes Sosa says, “uno vuelve siempre a los viejos sitios donde amó la vida y entonces comprende cómo están de ausentes las cosas queridas”, which may simply mean that longing for going back is not really an option. So here it is, my tribute to Bogotá, the city that embraced me at birth, made me the resilient person I believe I am, and now welcomes me with open heart when I visit. Thank you.

Check @1538crea for Bogotá memorabilia

Memories

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My earliest memory is a flower tile of the first place my parents shared. I know it is real because there are no pictures of that place. It looked like this picture from a restaurant serendipity brought me to one day. For years I had very few memories of my childhood. I recently had a revelation about why and since then memories keep coming.

Trauma can really change your brain in just a few minutes. And kids really do not talk about what happens to them. They blame themselves or are afraid of how others will react. It is terrifying to know that you cannot be protecting them every second. I only hope that I have created a relationship so safe for my daughter that she will be able to tell me anything and I will be attuned to let her grow and be independent despite the risks.

I think the tile may explain my fascination with mandalas. I am enjoying coloring them again, after a long hiatus. Clarity last week was followed by an overwhelming sense of comfort, an exaltation of the senses that are usually numb while I watch tv and play on the phone. I realized that I am out in the world and nobody has tried to put me down.

I have only found kindness and empathy from you and those I interact with daily. I feel so blessed and thankful. It has also reinforced the conviction that there is a world to be won by truly appreciating others. Carnegie’s first principle to not criticize, condemn or complain may not be an easy one to abide by but it is certainly one I am embracing.

This week I shared my dissertation with colleagues. We are working on a similar topic and it made me very happy to think that it could be somehow useful, if only to brainstorm. I am so far away from who I was just years ago. I am not sure how I went from reading The Confidence Code, to putting myself out like this.

I also wish it was not so difficult for women to do that, and especially to do it without having to resort to aggressive strategies. I really believe that my generation could be the one to start changing the reticence tide that surrounds women in leadership. We can be strong and assertive and at the same time support each other, men and women. I do hope that when my daughter is my age things will be different. Will you help?

Trading places

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There are some movies that I can watch again and again. Trading places (1983) is one of them. It is funny and witty. Murphy and Aykroyd at their best. It is also such a perfect description of the disconnect between rich and poor and the unfairness of it all. Without money, opportunities are scarce. With money, compassion is scarce. I guess since then I can’t help but associate trading with playing with other peoples’ lives, privilege and ruthlessness. Wall Street was never for me.

While the craziness of the financial exchanges of the 1980s has been replaced by algorithms and instant electronic trading, the forces behind the stock markets remain oblivious to the realities of most people in the world. And those are not the only economic forces that seem to be inclined towards increasing inequality between the privileged few and the rest. I am not sure where we are headed but I sure hope it stops before we become a real-life version of the Hunger Games (2012), or of Black Mirror (2011) for that matter.

In the meantime, and going back to more mundane thoughts, I must report that my household has fallen under a strong streptococcus strain. Fever and malaise have been the order of the last three days and I am patiently waiting to see if I am the next to fall. My throat already hurts, but I still hope I can skip the torture of chills and aches.

As nurse on call I have had a lot of time to kill and I must confess that I broke one of my New Years’ resolutions. After 23 days of resistance, I couldn’t help but go back to playing card games on my phone. It was glorious. I still forced myself to play the daily challenge only, instead of spending way too much time most days like I did last year. I also enjoyed a big plate of fried rice.

After months of limiting my intake of carbs, as suggested by a genetic test to improve my health, I have been giving myself the permission of enjoying comfort food here and there. See, I am convinced that our bodies crave balance and that is why plateaus are not the scary monster that diet books may suggest. After a lot of yo-yo dieting, I have discovered that giving my body the chance to get used to a new level, before trying to achieve the next, works better for me. So here I am, and I am honestly enjoying it.