As for most of you, I imagine, this has not been the easiest time. Definitely not the roaring Twenties I was celebrating in my first post this year. More like a strange and exhausting thriller or horror movie. Life obviously is much more creative than any script.
Who would have thought that the whole world would be facing unthinkable loses? That meeting anyone in person, at work or for fun, would be something we would be strongly discouraged to do? That the movie Five Feet Apart would be our common future? That going to the park or to walk the dog without a mask would be a nice memory of privileges we cannot afford anymore?
At home we took quarantine very seriously. During the peak we even decided not to take our dog out. It was not a good picture but it was better than risking going out for any reason. And even now that things are opening in the city, we remain isolated. Every day I feel more at ease and may end up trying one of the little outdoor restaurants that have flourished on side walks and streets around the city very soon. But life may never be the same again.
Working from home has been exhausting. I started a new assignment in March and all of the sudden it became clear that my portfolio was central. Development became, for the first time, a global emergency. So many people have lost their jobs, their loved ones, their routines. It became clear to me that having a job was a privilege and that trying to contribute in any way possible was, and is, my obligation. Everything else lost urgency.
After almost getting completely burned out, to the point of lowering my defenses, I took a break. It is almost over and I will be back to work on Monday but I feel I have regained a certain balance. I know life will never be the same but I have certain confirmation that as a family we can even handle a months long cabin fever. I did not kill anybody or got killed. In fact we are closer. And that is priceless.
I also know that now I am ready to live again. I know that while everything has changed and it is an unthinkable tragedy we have no alternative but adapting and going forward. It is not going to be easy but, together, we can do it. We have to.
I have noticed that, occasionally and without any free-will, there are days in which everything is clear. Today is one of those days. Matters that have been bothering me suddenly have a new light, a new prism. Little and big things that I couldn’t do for weeks are suddenly accomplished. I am decisive, assertive and calm. There is no urgency or anxiety. Oh, how much I wish these days would come more frequently or I could do something to summon them. Does it happen to you? Or am I just delirious again?
While I was writing my dissertation, I procrastinated in many ways. One of the most productive in hindsight was reading about the dissertation process. I got many books and read many articles. Not all of them were useful, at least not for my way of doing things (or avoiding doing them …). I read about the staggering number of students that never finish their thesis. I was shocked to realize that the thesis is the only academic endeavor in which you are suddenly thrown out of the support system students receive to succeed. Children have tutors. While you are working through your classes you have other students that support you in studying sessions and labs. You have deadlines for your term papers and exams. And then nothing. You are left with your advisor and a key to the library.
Adapting is perhaps one of the most important skills in life. At least it has been for me. I have been thrown into thorny situations, as much as anybody else has I guess, and without adapting skills I could have been seriously broken. Yet, I survived and thrived and at this point I welcome change and challenges. The question is, how did I acquire those skills? Can you learn to adapt without going through hardship? Or, more importantly, how will my daughter be able to face adversity and adapt without going through a somewhat difficult childhood? I hear horror stories about kids that go to college and commit suicide because it is their first experience with rejection and failure. And yet, I would do anything in my power to protect her from any real suffering. How can I not? What would you do?
Some time last December a dear friend told me that to finish his dissertation he went away and worked on it far from his usual environment. And that is how I finally finished. I took time off work and spent days at cafes and libraries around the city, without the usual excuses and distractions. 
It is insane to think about studying something else while going through this process. I am afraid I am more than a bit insane… Or I need to unsubscribe from open courses sites. One thing is for sure. Whatever I do in the future, it will never involve a thesis. At this point I remember taking exams, or even writing term papers, almost with pleasure. That is how much I am not enjoying this rite of passage.
Mariangela Parra 