It is insane to think about studying something else while going through this process. I am afraid I am more than a bit insane… Or I need to unsubscribe from open courses sites. One thing is for sure. Whatever I do in the future, it will never involve a thesis. At this point I remember taking exams, or even writing term papers, almost with pleasure. That is how much I am not enjoying this rite of passage.

I certainly know much more about my topic than when I started. I have printed all I could found about it. I have carefully read a respectable part of it. The trees sacrificed in the process didn’t gift their pulp in vain, I promise. Why is it still so hard to advance?

One of the difficulties I am facing right now is trying to put my own argument forward, while supporting most statements in the paper with citations. That is what I am supposed to be doing, right? If it was just about summarizing the literature and adding an empirical exercise, it would be a million times easier.

I got spoiled early on against monumental bibliographies. My mentor is a prolific writer, an experienced scholar and practitioner. In collaborating with him I was somehow covered by this wisdom. I could phrase my ideas on paper without a bibliographic filter. He would tell me right away when I was wrong, naïve or lost. We would then decide what literature was crucial to cite.

Independence is scary. To look at the bright side, it is a growth process. I know my future self will be thankful for having done this. But my present self feels like a child I know after few swimming classes. He sees other kids swimming without support and people assure him he can do it. Nonetheless, letting go and submerging in the water cannot possibly be more frightening for him.

Don’t get me wrong. I am progressing, slowly but steadily. I will have a draft even if I must go sleepless for days. I just wish I was enjoying even a slim bit of it. It is an interesting topic, at least to me. I have been curious about it for years.

What do I need to do to finally demystify it? How can I stop second guessing myself at every turn? Where do rainbows end?