I thought the muses had left me. For a while I seemed to have lost the exhilarating energy that fuels this blog. Perhaps it was because last Friday I had the crazy idea of trying to use that energy to write few paragraphs for my dissertation. I think I insulted the muses by even considering their guidance while writing about international trade. I must say I wouldn’t blame them for leaving. The muses gave me a gift of personal intimacy to share here with you and there I went, misusing it to talk about the asymmetric effects of globalization…

I also got a cold. Spring has really played hard to catch this year and I inevitably fell under the weather. I should have paused to take care of myself, right? Liquids and rest… But there I sat, on the chair, captured by the guilt of what I saw as just another excuse to be unfaithful to my dissertation.

After all, this is what the task has become: to diligently work on it, proverbially in sickness and in health, ‘til the defense hopefully do us part.

Taking the sweet muses out of the equation for a moment, I think that I am so used to being self-conscious and hesitant when writing my dissertation that Friday’s unfamiliar energy was just too uncomfortable. Today, feeling a bit better courtesy of various cold and flu medicines, I went back to the text. My first instinct was simply to discard what I wrote Friday. But I didn’t. Instead, I continued writing around it, fleshing it out. I take it as a small victory against shame and self-loathing. I hope many more will come.

But what will my life look like after D-day? Will I finally take time to exercise, separate stress from eating, get back home earlier, read for pleasure, take vacations? I must tell you: The life I imagine is nothing short from achieving all my recurring New Year’s Eve resolutions, and all at once. Boy am I setting myself up for disappointment!! My quality of life will certainly improve, that is clear, but I will still be me. And I think I am fine with that.